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101 Ways You Can Help

ISBN: 9781402217562

By: Liz Aleshire

Published: 04/30/2009

With 101 quick and concrete suggestions you can use immediately, 101 Ways You Can Help offers practical information on the dos and don'ts of handling grief and loss.

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Description

What to Do (and What Not to Do) When a Friend, Co-Worker, or Relative Suffers a Loss

With 101 quick and concrete suggestions you can use immediately, 101 Ways You Can Help offers practical information on the dos and don'ts of handling grief and loss. You'll find the universal basics of helping, as well as specific tools for how to offer support based on your relationship to the person who is grieving, from a boss to a backyard neighbor:

  • Accept that you can't fix it. Stop trying.
  • Tuck a book of stamps in that sympathy card.
  • Donate a vacation day.
  • Don't say: "She's in a better place."
  • Be a little pushy.
  • Help with the pets.
  • Listen.

There are an estimated eight million newly bereaved people in the United States each year. Through this book, Liz Aleshire, who experienced personally and professionally what helps and what hurts, encourages you to reach out and gives you suggestions on how to ease the delicate situations surrounding bereavement.

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Table of Contents

Foreword
Acknowledgments
Introduction: So Why Should You Listen to Me?

CHAPTER ONE: The Basic Dos
#1. Accept that you can't fi x it, and stop trying
#2. Go to the viewing or wake
#3. Just say, "I'm sorry for your loss"
#4. Tell an anecdote
#5. Let her cry
#6. Go ahead and give him a hug!
#7. Dress appropriately
#8. Go to the funeral
#9. When it's OK to bring children
#10. When it's not OK to bring children
#11. When you can't go to the funeral

CHAPTER TWO: The Basic Don'ts
#12. Don't say, "She's in a better place"
#13. Don't say, "At least he went quickly"
#14. Don't say, "At least her suffering is over"
#15. Don't say, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"
#16. Don't say, "I knew someone who…"
#17. Don't say, "He must have died to teach us something"
#18. Don't say, "He (or She, It, or They) must have needed her"
#19. Don't say, "You should be happy for how long you did have him"
#20. Don't say, "C'mon, pal, men don't cry"
#21. Don't say, "God (or Buddha, Mother Nature, Allah, the Universe, or the Great Pumpkin) never gives us more than we can handle"
#22. Don't say, "You need to get on with your life"

CHAPTER THREE: When the Bereaved Is a Friend Who Shares a Common Interest
#23. Be proactive!
#24. Tuck a book of stamps in with that sympathy card
#25. Plan a playdate
#26. Visit the bereaved at home
#27. Educate the people in your club or organization about grief
#28. Arrange to be an escort to your next meeting or event
#29. Offer to do all the work to hold a meeting of your group at his home
#30. Be careful what you offer—the septic tank might be full!
#31. Read that body language
#32. Shut up and listen

CHAPTER FOUR: When the Bereaved Is Your Co-worker
#33. Offer to be the workplace newscaster
#34. Don't push her to come back to work too soon
#35. Offer to take on a task
#36. Don't dump those tasks on her desk on her first day back at work
#37. Donate a vacation day
#38. Take up a collection at the office
#39. Set up the trust fund the right way
#40. Managers, inform and support your employee regarding the company's leave policy
#41. Managers, educate your staff about grief and bereavement
#42. Work to change the Family Medical Leave Act to include the bereaved
#43. Don't dump on the boss or the company for policies currently in place
#44. She's not different; she's just sad
#45. By gosh, don't gush!

CHAPTER FIVE: When the Bereaved Is Your Neighbor
#46. Understand the effects of our culture on the bereaved's ability to grieve
#47. Give him the gift of time
#48. Allow her to grieve her way
#49. Make breakfast for the morning of the funeral
#50. Foods, herbs, and other natural remedies that help
#51. Offer to watch the house during the funeral
#52. Offer to care for infants during the funeral
#53. Say yes when asked to be a pallbearer
#54. Speak up fi rst about the deceased at the funeral
#55. Visit once a week
#56. While you're there, check things out
#57. Roll up your sleeves, and get to work on outdoor home maintenance
#58. Roll up your sleeves, and get to work on inside home maintenance
#59. Offer to run an errand
#60. Be a little pushy
#61. Be pushier
#62. Have his children over to your house
#63. Take them along!
#64. Help out with holidays and events
#65. Shut up and listen to children
#66. Recommend a children's grief support program

CHAPTER SIX: When the Bereaved Is Your Best Friend or a Member of Your Family
#67. Smarten up! Learn about the process of grief
#68. Give her permission to grieve
#69. Validate his feelings
#70. Validate grief
#71. Validate relief
#72. Spend time with her in her home
#73. Offer to help with funeral arrangements
#74. Do the eulogy
#75. Create a testimonial
#76. Create a website
#77. Know when to hold 'em, and know when to hug 'em
#78. Help with the pets
#79. Offer to help with the paperwork
#80. Make sure she is as financially stable as possible
#81. Help go through the deceased's clothing and belongings
#82. Keep an eye on her health and safety—and the kids' too
#83. Be very pushy!
#84. Remember your favorite fun thing, and do it again!
#85. Buy a subtle gift
#86. Buy an unsubtle gift
#87. Remember, it's not only the person who's gone
#88. Buy her a journal
#89. Keep a journal for him
#90. Arrange to go to a conference on grieving
#91. Suggest a support group
#92. Suggest a grief counselor
#93. Agree with the bereaved
#94. Call, call, call
#95. Make him feel needed
#96. Don't forget the personal holidays
#97. Remember roles in holiday traditions and family gatherings
#98. Take care of yourself
#99. Help with the hard decisions
#100. Don't assume the spouse will be able to help
#101. One more time—shut up and listen!

Appendix: Attending Funeral and Memorial Services
Bibliography
Web Resources
About the Author

Excerpt

Excerpt from the Introduction

So Why Would You Listen to Me?

I needed this book. I really, really needed this book about fifteen years ago when my only ch

...

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Specs

Format: Paperback

Dimensions
Length: 7 in
Width: 5 in
Weight: 8.00 oz
Page Count: 224 pages

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